All Chuck Norris Facts & Jokes | Chuck Norris Facts

All Chuck Norris Facts & Jokes

Find all of the Chuck Norris Facts listed below. Click on one of the facts to have it printed on a shirt.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris can taste lies.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died.

# The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.
MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.