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- Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck
Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.
- Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
- Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It
is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making
of the episode.
- The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.
- When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
- Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a
bowling ball.
- Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live
turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.
- Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck
Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.
- The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition
game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck
Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.
- Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct.
Always.
- Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head
off.
- Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean.
The tsunamis were killing people.
- Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the
Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.
- They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue,
but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The
Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."
- A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato
chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris
proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft
move.
- Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.
- In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex
wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the
Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
- Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple
fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as
"acts of God."
- "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what
Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
- Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2)
Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.
- Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the
odds. With his fists.
- In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will
be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from
the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris
killed that man.
- Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.
- When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass
go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be
lucky if you make it out alive.
- Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder
for blood and guts".
- Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja.
Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both
of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked
the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to
sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing
wire.
- Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls:
crushed.
- Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation,
hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.
- Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does
all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
- Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and
then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
- Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything
Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.
- Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.
- Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I
am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues,
"...afraid of Chuck Norris."
- Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into
200 nickels.
- For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the
historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing
in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually
existed.
- Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is
where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a
balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a
Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.
- Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it
with one hand.
- Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill
women.
- Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more
like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face.
And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what
you are going to get.
- For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.
- There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall,
Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.
- During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be
captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He
asked for seconds.
- Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a
lighter.
- Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads
outside and brands his cattle.
- Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.
- Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck
Norris's kindergarten class.
- Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.
- The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but
knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
- Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through
the can.
- Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the
correct one. Norris' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a
Columbian Necktie.
- Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to
masturbate.
- Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue
that consciousness is explained by the relation between two
levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state
takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris,
expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too
much fancy-talk.
- Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.
- Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because
Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.
- If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck
Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris
can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.
- Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile
takeover.
- He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck
Norris … dies.
- Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell
fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.
- Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables
attached to his nipples.
- Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand.
He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a
combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death.
Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.
- Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.
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